!!!!!MILO'S FUNNIES!!!!!
Welcome to Milo's Funnies!!!!! Sit back, put your paws up and enjoy some excellent dog jokes that yours truly, Milo the Great, deems funny enough to have a 'place of honor' on his official web site. If you know of any other funny dog jokes or stories, please e-mail them to milo@haqa.co.uk and I will personally add them to 'Milo's Funnies'.
!!!!Seven Reasons Dogs don't Use Computers!!!!
1. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail!"
2. Can't stick their heads out of Windows95
3. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
4. Too difficult to "mark" every Web site they visit.
5. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
6. Too hard to read the screen with head cocked to one side.
7. 'Cause dogs aren't GEEKS!
!!!!Where dogs come from...!!!!
Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a rip one way or the other.
!!!!Bilingual Dog!!!!
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer".
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
!!!!!Card Shark!!!!!
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.
"Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?" the guy asks.
"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies.
"Well is he any good?" the guy asks.
"Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail."
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the humans do it.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the ceiling.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I was at the pub last night, and I've got this hangover....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?
Hound Dog: I like it dark....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Australian Shepherd: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
!!!!!How to Photograph A New Puppy!!!!!
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
16. Clean up mess.
17. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" soon.
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