!!!!!Milo's Sports Page!!!!!

Welcome all you athletic canines out there to Milo's Sports Page!!!!!  Here's where we discuss the many and varied sporting events (and possible future Olympic hopefuls) known only to we Jack Russell Terriors. So bury all those tennis balls and get ready for some serious fun!!!!!

!!!!!Killing the Rug-Eating Beast!!!!! 

Now here is definitely one of my ALL TIME favourites and an event that I look forward to at least once a week....the Killing of the Rug-Eating Beast (also known here as 'Attacking the Hoover').  Nothing gives me more pleasure than waiting for that magical moment when my human mom or dad goes into the spare room and brings out the evil creature.  Ah, the joy!!!!!  

When you hear the beast being taken from its cage, you run as fast as your four JRT legs can to get an early jump on the evil creature, before they plug in the lifeline and it comes alive.  This may give you the 'sneak attack' advantage.  It also helps if you 'stand guard' over the beast barking at it incessantly to let it know that you ARE there and are poised for attack!!!!!  You WILL show it who is boss!!!!!

When the monster springs to life, you run after it madly until it bows its head down to floor level then you ATTACK!!!!!  A good idea is to immediately go for the head at the end of the neck.  If you are unable to rip this head off, you can at least frustrate its attempts to eat up your beloved home.  Once you remove the head, then you can go for the 'neck' in an attempt to completely immobilize this horrible and noisy beast. Be forewarned though, that going after the 'neck' can result in a minor setback, as the beast attempts to eat your tongue and your human having to come to your rescue.

You must be a fit Russell to attack this beast as it is really full of hot air.  The beast goes on forever and never stops until the human either kicks it with their foot or unplugs its life support system.  Even if the creature is silent, it is best to stand quiet guard over it in the unlikely chance that it, once again, springs back to life and attempts to eat your home. DO NOT REST until you see the evil monster placed back in its cage in the spare room.

You will notice, however, that after a short period of time while you are saving your home and family from certain destruction, your humans will start to become a little cranky.  Do they not realise that our efforts are to save them from this monster??  The humans will make a feeble attempt to remove you from the room by shutting a door or offering you a trip outdoors.  DO NOT FALL FOR THIS scheme.  Remember, we must rid the world of these evil home-eating beasts for the good of all canine and human-kind.  In addition to working on your attack skills, make it a point to work on your door-opening, door-scratching and high-pitched whining.  A note here....the more pitiful the whine, the better chance you will have to return to the room and give the creature the old what-for!!!!!

!!!!!Weekend Human Bed-Push!!!!!

Now here is an event that takes a bit of practice but, if you are good at this, it can make your life as a Jack Russell (and supreme ruler) much easier.  It also lets your humans know that, despite all of the training and obedience lessons, you are STILL the boss!!!!!

Timing is most important here, in that it is best to wait until your humans have had a late night out and are planning to 'sleep in' in the morning hours. Work at lulling them into a false sense of security.....doing the 'cuddly puppy' routine works wonders for yours truly. 

A few hours after the sun has started to rise in the eastern sky, and you know that your humans are in a DEEP sleep, manage to turn your backside up towards their sleeping heads and slowly 'let one rip'.  Then, when you see them start to stir, make a desperate run to the front or back door, letting out the whine of your choice to make them think you are 'in need'.

When you have succeeded in getting a human out of bed to tend to your needs and desires, you have one of two options.  If the weather is to your liking, you could opt for a trip out to the facilities, staying out long enough to cause the human to open both eyes.  Then, when you come inside, go into the kitchen and begin to whine for a biscuit of your choice.  If the weather is not to your liking, then you may opt for the 'whine at the door' and then not have to go out, and proceed into the kitchen for the biscuit. Please take note that humans will do anything you ask so that they may return to bed on a Saturday morning.

Once your human has returned to bed (and this works particularly well if you have two humans in the same bed), then go to work on the second human while the first one is lulled into a false sense of security.  My own proven method is to first start to lick my mom's face, then nibble on her ears, they lay across her head and/or chest.  If she tries to pull the blankets over her face, I have mastered the fine art of 'removing the covers from the bed', which gets BOTH humans up out of bed immediately, especially on cold mornings.

After they have removed themselves from their bed and are 'singing your praises' for being so kind as to get them up to 'greet the dawn' on a Saturday morning, they will, more than likely, throw the blankets back onto the bed.  This is your cue.....when you see the humans sitting down, bleary eyed, to a strong cup of coffee, run into the bedroom, jump onto the bed and burrow under the covers. 

Congratulations as you have succeeded in having the WHOLE BED TO YOURSELF!!!!!

!!!!!Guaranteed Gimme!!!!!

How many times has your human sat down to await a very important phone call? Or have they remained on the phone for a length of time in which you have not been properly honored and praised? This is when we must take decisive action.

It is important to give them the mandatory 5 minutes to say hello, settle in and get involved in a good chat on the phone. Then, without warning, you spring into action. Take your seat about two feet in front of your human, who is holding the phone containing a very sensitive microphone. Then, at intervals of roughly 30 to 45 seconds, you let out with a loud bark that is guaranteed to deafen not only your human, but whomever it is that they are talking to. What is important here is that they are NOT talking to you, which is not permitted. We Russells need total homage and cuddles on demand.

Your human will demand quiet, however continue at said intervals, letting out with another loud bark. The human will become annoyed and go into another room. It is at this point that you get up and follow your person into the new location, again letting them know you are not pleased. If they should attempt desperate measures and go into a room, shutting the door behind them, fear not. You have one of two options here..... either sit outside of the door and bark loudly or open the door and continue to express your displeasure.

After this point, the human will do one of two things.....either get off of the phone and pay you homage, or better yet, go and get a chew or treat to bribe you into going away and being quiet. With just a little bit of effort, you have again had the desired effect and can carry off your prize to enjoy and await the next phone call.

This maneouver also works on those occasions when your people have important visitors at the house or when someone comes to the door for a chat. Always remember, your humans will do anything to insure a period of peace and quiet while they attempt to talk to other humans.